Today:

I am grateful for our human ability to forgive. And the quality of trust that is built following that genuine interaction.

In the show, Battlestar Gallactica, I think it was best expressed it in this interaction between two characters:

(Athena - who had been an entrusted member of the military for years, was found out as a sleeper agent. She then committed acts of treason against her commanders, and her people and was charged for attempted murder of her superior. Her loyalty confused and blurred, she became an outcast and prisoner. Eventually, through many acts of proving herself loyal, and by the kindness and understanding of the commander in chief (the attempted murder victim), she was re-instated as a Lieutenant and sent on a mission in which the lives of many were in her hands.)

Before going off on this mission, she asked:
Lt. Athena: How do you know? I mean, how do you really know that you can trust me?
Admiral Adama: I don't. That's what trust is.

Blessed thanks for another day.

I'm grateful today for the opprotunity to love, trust, celebrate, laugh, give and receive with those dear to me.

Reserve Empathy

Today I am grateful for my ability to feel empathy and express compassion.

* * *

Yesterday, I was using my computer without a power cord attached, and eventually this message popped up:

WARNING: You are now running on reserve battery power. Please connect your computer to AC power. If you do not, your computer will go to sleep in a few minutes to preserve the contents of memory.

Though I have seen this message countless times in the years I've owned this computer, I've never really read that message before. Or, I've never *connected* with it before. Last night, something just clicked in me.

I've been doing this to myself...for years. Running on reserve battery power. *This* probably explains why my brain hasn't been working as well as I remember it used to, and why I haven't been able to remember stuff as clearly...etc, etc.

Moments after this epiphany, I was compelled to do an internet search of the computer warning message, and instantly came across this article. Not only was it strange that the article was from the Local Wheaton paper (a town I grew up 15 mins away from), it was also *exactly* what I needed to read at that moment. It confirmed some of the suspicions and conclusions I've been coming to about empathy and my own reactions over the years. I've been beating myself up (especially these last 10 or so years) for not "feeling more" in certain situations...turns out...this is an actual thing.

Admittedly, I haven't done any other research into this, other than this one article. I'm just going off of gut feelings and intuition here. But, I have a strong *feeling* this stuff is true. It certainly has been for me. 

Thank you.

An excerpt from a dream-like meditation experience I had this morning:

...when I had gone back into my body to repair the open wound, I noticed the two black dots, still there, in the same place they had been before, but this time, not dripping, not generating more muck. They were just there. And I was totally ok with this. In fact, I found myself smiling that they were there. Like a tattoo. A gentle reminder to have reverence and respect for these lessons. And a reminder that there will always be darkness within me. But, it's up to *me* to decide how it manifests. This, I believe, is the purity and visceral feeling of gratitude. Thank you, experience. Thank you pain. Thank you darkness for showing me that I can still live with you, inside of me.

* * *

This song has been playing in my head on repeat for the past several days:

how 'bout getting off these antibiotics
how 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
how 'bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you, thank you silence

how 'bout me not blaming you for everything
how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how 'bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you, thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how 'bout no longer being masochistic
how 'bout remembering your divinity
how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how 'bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you, thank you silence 

    - "thank you" by alanis morissette

Gratitude, redux.

I've been listening to the messages coming at me lately (from all different directions) to focus on (even if just for a moment) and acknowledge, every day, the things in my life I am grateful for.

I'm going to start expressing them here.

Today, I am grateful for my healthy, able body, the sun: on days like today - in the middle of portland winter, amazing, loving friends and family, community, healthy organic food, having the awareness to know to know that everything I do in this life...is a choice.

Thank you.

Gratitude.

Today I feel so grateful for this body I inhabit, this spirit I embody and this life I get to experience.

Thank you, Mom, for bringing me into this world, on this day, 34 years ago.

Even though I've missed a few days...

I feel like this blog is still filling one of its intended purposes. I have been writing more. And, I am writing more about writing. Even though I'm not necessarily writing *here* all the time. I am writing *more*...which feels fantastic. It's opening up some places in me that had been long locked and forgotten about.

I like this aspiration. I think I'm gonna stick with it.