The State of My Union

WOW! Life has been SO full on for me here in the last 2 ½ weeks...

At this moment, I am writing on day 5 of a severely intense cold/flu that has completely knocked me out. Unfortunately, just about everyone here seems to be susceptible and slowly coming down with it...however, I seem to be the only one who is really struggling with the incredible energy drain. However, I have been having some pretty intense emotional breakthroughs over the last week which have probably contributed greatly to my constant lack of physical energy while healing.

I decided last night, in an effort to really try to get things moving and eject the remaining toxins out of my body – because I feel my energy just being stuck (and, although the food here is really really amazing), to fast until tonight's dinner. I skipped dinner last night (wasn't really that hungry anyway) and skipped breakfast and lunch today...focusing on liquid, liquid, liquid, and perhaps a small amount of really liquidy fruit if needed. I've noticed that I've been eating more out of habit these last few days, (oh, and did I mention that the food is outstandingly, constantly delicious...?) as opposed to eating because I'm actually hungry. So, I'm really trying to listen to what my body is asking and focus on seriously catering to those needs.

Also, through this process, learning again a really important lesson in patience. I usually consider myself a relatively patient person, but when I get sick, all that patience I practice seems to fly, rapidly, out the window. I get bored, I feel lazy, I usually have the mental energy to do things, but not the physical...and that's incredibly frustrating to me. So, even more than listening to my body's physical needs, such as food and water intake (and/or fasting), I'm really trying hard to listen to what this process is trying to tell me about surrender. As much as I really, really, really want to, I just simply don't have the physical energy to do all the things I want, and am excited to do right now. So, I must rest. I must yield. I must allow myself this time and use it wisely to listen and understand what other parts of me need healing.

I've discovered that when I get bored in moments like these, it's really not for lack of things to do or think about. My feeling of “bored” is actually my ego jumping up and down, arms raised, pleading with me to find some distraction to fill my time with that, albeit may temporarily make me feel better, but is really just a diversion from dealing with deeper issues. I've finally put it together that I always feel the most “bored” and uncomfortable just before having a major emotional breakthrough...which seems to be what's been happening for me these last few days, in sickness.

People keep asking me every morning - “How are you feeling?” And, it's been strange, because every morning, I haven't really been feeling physically better, (just sort of sick in a different way) but something within me usually rises up from a gentle, honest, calm place and before I know it, I have a beaming smile on my face and I'm responding with “I feel great!” I'm still recognizing my physical limitations with this sickness, but I feel like this time is the first time I've gone through a healing process from a cold with total, holistic awareness and healed from the inside out. Maybe my unconscious body/mind/emotional intelligence is more prevalent in this case than it ever has been in my past. I feel as though my body has taken this opportunity to intentionally slow me down from the distractions so that I could finally have the proper chance to process through all of this emotional stuff I've got going on. My body knew I wouldn't make that choice on any physically healthy feeling day...so it created an opportunity.

Although feeling a little smacked down (courtesy of my own self)...I'm all ears.

...And, I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm healing.