Grateful for:

This life. This love. This, everything. Here. Now.

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

Building strength

By allowing weakness.

Sometimes...

...even just a single word is too much. So, I leave it to others to express it for me...


"Killer Crane" by TV On The Radio

After the rain
A killer crane
After the rainbow

Across the sky
Her graces glide
Across the sea

Across creation
And over time
Her gracious life
Escapes its station

A cold wind blows
The day bestows
Glum proclamation

Leave it behind
Your restless mind
Your jealousies

But isolation
Demands your patience

But we fall together in time just to sing:

Sunshine I saw you through the hanging vine
A memory of what was mine fading away
Though this night heals the ground
And the moonlight steals the sound
I can leave suddenly unafraid

And after all
We're free to fall
Once all the pain goes
And how we stood
And what was good
Could last so long

In isolation
A transformation

The laughter leaves me
Leaves me blue
Emboldened on
To see it through

This life of love and letting go
A killer crane
After a rainbow

May we fall together in time just to say:

Sunshine I saw you through the hanging vine
A memory of what was mine fading away
Though this night heals the ground
And the moonlight steals the sound
I could leave suddenly unafraid

Sunshine come crawling through the hanging vines
A memory of what was mine fading away
In this night heals the ground
And the moonlight steals the sound
I could leave suddenly unafraid

Sunshine I saw you through the hanging vine
A memory of what was mine fading away
And this night heals the ground
And the moonlight steals the sound
I can leave suddenly unafraid

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

I believe

In miracles.

-*-

Thank you

Humility

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

Today

I am grateful for my ability to forgive myself and re-commit.

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

-*-

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Right now...

I truly appreciate and am grateful for the incredibly rejuvenating and replenishing effects of sleep.

Thank you.

Just, thank you.

Thank you...

...for teaching me how to surrender.

-*-

You...

...are an amazing person, and I'm grateful you are in my life.

-*-

oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Thank You Sun!!!

-*-

Thank you...

...body...

April 18th, redux...

Thank you, Mom, for all you are and all you do. Thank you for choosing this life to be born into. Thank you for choosing to be my Mom. Thank your for being in my life. I love you so much.

Happy Birthday.

-*-

-*-

Thank you,

for listening.

Today, I appreciate vulnerability.

Thank you.

* * *

When Love Comes

Love has to steal into hearts here on earth.
It has to be sneaky and coy
Cloaking itself in plain clothes,
So that you are taken hostage without defenses.

It has to knock on your door as if it's just the mailman
Bringing more junk for your entertainment
To toss away with a shake of the head.

But when you open that message that Love has sent
It begins to act on you without warning
Infecting your every cell
And changing your DNA.

It stuns you and leaves you wide-eyed.
It interferes with every plan you had
And it demands your full attention.
You find your feet are off the ground then,
Your head feels light and at night when you are alone
You dream dreams you had put aside,
Those sweet innocent ones when you were just a child
And still fresh from God. You begin to remember.

When Love comes stealing into your heart
You need to surrender
And give up everything you have

Let go

Allow its light to burn your house down
And then you need to ride that wild horse
Wherever it will take you.

-Kamila Agi-Mjias

Thank you,

Aloe.

-*-

-*-

I am truly grateful

for the ceaselessly shifting tides, and unpredictability of life.

-*-

-*-

I had almost forgotten...

What it feels like to have the warm breeze and sun filled air waft across my bare skin. Thank you sun, and a new season for bringing thus sensation back into my world today.

Thank you,

frustration. 

Ultimately Grateful For:

This night. Good friends. Authentic connections. Sitting, bathed in bright moonlight. Allowing feeling, regardless of how painful, difficult or awkward. Dancing loose the devil from my back.

Thank you.


* * *

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to re-live your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back
So shake him off

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back
So shake him off
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

-Florence + The Machine (Shake It Out)

Thank you,

rain.

Today

I am grateful for feelings.

Today...

I am grateful for the deep, gripping, physical pain of the worst menstrual cramps I've ever experienced in my entire life. Thank you, body, for being able to withstand this pain. Thank you, pain, for taking me out of my head and bringing me back into my body. I consider this experience (along with countless other somatic, tactile experiences) to be one of my most valued teachers.

Gratitude...

In so many forms. Today, I am deeply grateful for my partner. Your patience, listening, support, friendship, love, thoughtfulness and kindness have enriched my life already in so many ways. And I know it is just the beginning.  Thank you, Taylor, for challenging me in so many various ways. I love you.

Fear. Anger. Anxiety. Restlessness.

I am grateful for these emotions and states of being, and everything they have taught me, and still continue to teach me. I am grateful for my awareness of them, and my ability to sit with them and not feel like I must immediately react when one of these feelings makes themselves known, or steps firmly in front of my view.

-*-

-*-

-*-

Today

I am grateful for friendship, and how it has been offered to me in many, many forms.

-*-

-*-

-*-

Today,

I am grateful for the subtleties and nuances of human interaction.

And, also, beds. I am extremely grateful for full length, flat, cushy, comfy, cozy beds. With fluffy pillows.

Today

I am grateful for and humbled by the sun.

On this day...

22 March 2012, I am grateful for: serendipity. 

-*-

Today:

I am grateful for the space that exists between an initial thought/emotion/inclination and action/reaction. I am grateful for the awareness within me that signals me to slow down and just hang out for a while in that space in between. 

I am grateful for:

You.

I am grateful for me.

And, I am grateful for everyone we know.

Today I am grateful for:

Goldfish.

I am grateful...

For a nearly car-less bike journey home from work, late at night, on one of the most notorious drunken driving nights of the year. Yay life!

I am...

...humbled by and grateful for the persistent rainbow across blue sky this morning. A clear sign of a new, magnificent day, following a harsh and stormy night.

Today,

I am grateful for: bodily health, awareness, empathy and forgiveness. Without these, our capacity to be compassionate human beings, would cease. Thank you to all who value these things and work in your own life to express, grow and maintain them. 

-*-

On this day,

I am grateful for all lessons I have learned about patience, loving kindness and humility.

I am also aware that I still have much to learn.

-*-

I am grateful today...

...for all the small, sometimes seemingly insignificant, details that make life SO worth living.

Thank you,

to everyone and anyone in my life who has taught me how to relax and take a day off.

-*-

Snow today, solar flares tomorrow.

Today, I'm grateful for all of life's many details that keep me constantly entertained and on my toes.

Yesterday, my bike ride to school in the morning was accompanied by a frost covered seat, and visible exhales. Today, it was 66 degrees and sunny. Yesterday there was a massive solar flare storm. Today, I'm feelin' it. Early this morning, the moon circled around again to full. Today...I'm feelin' it.  Today, I held space for and provided healing touch for a friend in extreme pain.

And tomorrow will be, yet, another day.

Thank you, life.

Today,

I am grateful for my capacity to love and be loved.

Today:

I am grateful for, brisk day, warm sun.

Mmmm. Yummy.

Anniversary...

I arrived in Portland exactly one year ago today and I am deeply grateful for everything this last year has taught and brought me.

Today, I am grateful for...

...gluten free cupcakes.

3 March 2012

Today, I am grateful for...today. Another opportunity to simply live, love, breathe and be.

-*-

-*-

Today:

I am grateful for our human ability to forgive. And the quality of trust that is built following that genuine interaction.

In the show, Battlestar Gallactica, I think it was best expressed it in this interaction between two characters:

(Athena - who had been an entrusted member of the military for years, was found out as a sleeper agent. She then committed acts of treason against her commanders, and her people and was charged for attempted murder of her superior. Her loyalty confused and blurred, she became an outcast and prisoner. Eventually, through many acts of proving herself loyal, and by the kindness and understanding of the commander in chief (the attempted murder victim), she was re-instated as a Lieutenant and sent on a mission in which the lives of many were in her hands.)

Before going off on this mission, she asked:
Lt. Athena: How do you know? I mean, how do you really know that you can trust me?
Admiral Adama: I don't. That's what trust is.

Blessed thanks for another day.

I'm grateful today for the opprotunity to love, trust, celebrate, laugh, give and receive with those dear to me.

Reserve Empathy

Today I am grateful for my ability to feel empathy and express compassion.

* * *

Yesterday, I was using my computer without a power cord attached, and eventually this message popped up:

WARNING: You are now running on reserve battery power. Please connect your computer to AC power. If you do not, your computer will go to sleep in a few minutes to preserve the contents of memory.

Though I have seen this message countless times in the years I've owned this computer, I've never really read that message before. Or, I've never *connected* with it before. Last night, something just clicked in me.

I've been doing this to myself...for years. Running on reserve battery power. *This* probably explains why my brain hasn't been working as well as I remember it used to, and why I haven't been able to remember stuff as clearly...etc, etc.

Moments after this epiphany, I was compelled to do an internet search of the computer warning message, and instantly came across this article. Not only was it strange that the article was from the Local Wheaton paper (a town I grew up 15 mins away from), it was also *exactly* what I needed to read at that moment. It confirmed some of the suspicions and conclusions I've been coming to about empathy and my own reactions over the years. I've been beating myself up (especially these last 10 or so years) for not "feeling more" in certain situations...turns out...this is an actual thing.

Admittedly, I haven't done any other research into this, other than this one article. I'm just going off of gut feelings and intuition here. But, I have a strong *feeling* this stuff is true. It certainly has been for me. 

Thank you.

An excerpt from a dream-like meditation experience I had this morning:

...when I had gone back into my body to repair the open wound, I noticed the two black dots, still there, in the same place they had been before, but this time, not dripping, not generating more muck. They were just there. And I was totally ok with this. In fact, I found myself smiling that they were there. Like a tattoo. A gentle reminder to have reverence and respect for these lessons. And a reminder that there will always be darkness within me. But, it's up to *me* to decide how it manifests. This, I believe, is the purity and visceral feeling of gratitude. Thank you, experience. Thank you pain. Thank you darkness for showing me that I can still live with you, inside of me.

* * *

This song has been playing in my head on repeat for the past several days:

how 'bout getting off these antibiotics
how 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
how 'bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you, thank you silence

how 'bout me not blaming you for everything
how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how 'bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you, thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how 'bout no longer being masochistic
how 'bout remembering your divinity
how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how 'bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you, thank you silence 

    - "thank you" by alanis morissette

Gratitude, redux.

I've been listening to the messages coming at me lately (from all different directions) to focus on (even if just for a moment) and acknowledge, every day, the things in my life I am grateful for.

I'm going to start expressing them here.

Today, I am grateful for my healthy, able body, the sun: on days like today - in the middle of portland winter, amazing, loving friends and family, community, healthy organic food, having the awareness to know to know that everything I do in this life...is a choice.

Thank you.

Gratitude.

Today I feel so grateful for this body I inhabit, this spirit I embody and this life I get to experience.

Thank you, Mom, for bringing me into this world, on this day, 34 years ago.

Even though I've missed a few days...

I feel like this blog is still filling one of its intended purposes. I have been writing more. And, I am writing more about writing. Even though I'm not necessarily writing *here* all the time. I am writing *more*...which feels fantastic. It's opening up some places in me that had been long locked and forgotten about.

I like this aspiration. I think I'm gonna stick with it.

-*-

It must be the new moon.

I'm tired, cranky and head-cloudy.

Or, that could have been all the carbohydrate-y fried food I had for dinner.

Why do I keep doing that?!

Commitment.

Doesn't have to be scary.



...right?

Spring is hanging in the air...

I went for a walk today and was amazed to see the vast majority of yards I passed by, covered in crocus buds, popping out of the ground...not only that, but tons of other vivid, green buds and seedlings starting to sprout and thrive. It's starting to be spring here in the pacific northwest! It's still February! This is crazy! And wonderful! Wonderfully crazy!

I. Love. It.

Been writing all day...

...just not here. Now my brain is all mushy, and I need to go to sleep.

Some days,

are just not for writing.

-*-

If you want to change the world...

I woke up this morning to find a link to this poem in my inbox. It was the first thing I read today. It brought a rushing swell of feeling through my heart, chills up and down my body, expansiveness to my mind and tears to my eyes.

The concepts expressed here, even if just on a purely metaphoric level, are so beautifully and powerfully stated. It resonates deeply within me. And, is still vibrating.

* * *

If you want to change the world… love a woman - really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one, every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman - one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman.
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

-by Lisa Citore

* * *

Thank you, Taylor, for sharing this with me today.  

Today...

I am deeply grateful for the abundance of love and support that exists in my life.

Thank you.

Sending endless waves of love and support back to you, far and wide.

How am I doing today?

Well, I was (somehow) first in line to drop off my registration for school this morning, so I'm reasonably certain I'm going to get my preferred schedule, with the teachers I wanted for next term, I *aced* my kinesiology mid-term today (!!!), and then had a lovely 40 min. abdominal and head/neck massage in swedish by one of my favorite fellow students. (She and I are also doing another hour long each massage trade tomorrow). And, I just made a spicy, miso-y, braggs-y, carrot-y, shiitake-y, rainbow chardy, green oniony, noodly plate of yumminess...

So...on a scale of 1 to Awesome, I'm doing pretty freakin fantastic. :)

Sitting in the chrysalis

I am living, transformation.

On creating our collective reality:

An excerpt from the January 2012 new moon that has just passed (by Rebekah Shaman):

Things can happen unexpectedly during this year, both positive and negative, so make sure your intentions and destination is clear.  There is no such thing as luck. The outcome of this year will depend on where you decide to focus your energies.

Focus them on serving humanity, planet Earth and all living things and this year has the potential to be an exciting, fulfilling and magical year, with mindblowing synchronisities and connections. 

Choose to act selfishly, with no regard to how your actions are affecting others or Mother Earth and you will find this year becoming a struggle, in all areas.  You are creating your own luck and this year we will see the dichotomies more clearly defined.

* * * 
 
I agree with these words and this overall sentiment wholeheartedly. However, the question I have been exploring lately is: How do I *not* act selfishly? Aren't all of my desires and actions that arise from those desires...selfish? ...just by the simple fact that they are satisfying a need of *mine*?

Perhaps I'm over thinking this. I do understand and respect that my choices and actions do definitely have an effect on others and on the earth, from a micro to macro scale. And, I consider these impacts with most of the choices I make in my daily life. I'm just confused about intent, sometimes.

I *do* hope and intend for the best possible outcome for all involved when making a choice that clearly affects the lives of other people around me. And, I do want these decisions to be reached by mutual agreement. And...sometimes, I wonder if my creative energy in manifesting what I want to see in the world is always truly coming from that place of equanimity and altruism (my *heart*), and/or if it comes from a place (almost unconscious, perhaps), of my *mind* trying to orchestrate a way to satisfy a purely selfish need that is deeply rooted and not even totally apparent to me.

Hmmm.


I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on...doing the best I can.


Thoughts...?

Letting go

evokes the deepest feelings of peaceful contentment and satisfaction I can imagine or express.

I feel profound gratitude at this moment for all the people, situations and circumstances in my life which  have offered me the opportunity to let go.

Another look at love...

Thank you, Amber, for sharing this with me tonight:

"ordinary love is selfish, darkly rooted in desires and satisfactions. Divine love is without condition, without boundary, without change. the flux of the human heart is gone forever at the transfixing touch of pure love...if you ever find me falling from a state of God-realization, please promise to put my head on your lap and help to bring me back to the Cosmic Beloved we both worship." --Sri Yukteswar

Dang!

Missed another day yesterday. This really *is* quite the challenge. But! I'm sticking with it, nonetheless.

Circumstances in my life have been slowly building to a chaotic climax again, and I'm trying hard to handle it all differently than I have in the past. I think it's working.

My method: stopping. listening. breathing. moving on.

-*-

Wow, this is difficult.

Most days I have more to say than I could possibly sit down and write in one sitting...or, if I did write it all out (everything I'm thinking and all the significant things that are happening for me that day), I would get nothing else done for the entire day. I guess I was hoping this challenge of writing something every day would help me get into the mode of writing *more*, so it would be *less* pressure-filled when I did feel like giving a larger/longer update...but the way I'm seeing it at the moment is actually creating more pressure and stress to my life. I *do* like having this daily ritual, but...for some reason, I'm judging myself for not having something interesting or engaging or relevant to say, every single day. I'm probably being too harsh on myself. I have issues with that. But this is what is real for me. In this moment. Today.

Thank you,

 Peter Drucker, for these words:

"The leaders who work most effectively, it seems to me, never say “I.” And that’s not because they have trained themselves not to say “I.” They don’t think “I.” They think “we”; they think “team.” They understand their job to be to make the team function. They accept responsibility and don’t sidestep it, but “we” gets the credit…This is what creates trust, what enables you to get the task done."

~ Peter Drucker

Overwhelmed.

Still.

Boundaries.

I'm learning more, now than ever, how much I still have to learn about: why it's important to have them...and then; setting them, keeping them, maintaining them, nurturing them, discovering them, respecting them and honoring them.

Wow. This may be the hardest challenge I have in this life.

PSA for the day:

Got sideswiped by a car today on my way to work. Actually, about 10 mins ago.

I'm totally fine. My bike is totally fine. I'm just shaken up a bit. In fact, still shaking a bit.

I know this happens all the time, to many cyclists, especially in this city, and every time something like this happens to me, it really scares me. Not necessarily because of what *did* happen, but because of what *could* have...due to careless driving.

Drivers: Please, please, please use your turn signals and look in your rear/side view mirrors (or, actually turn your head to look out the window) before wielding your 2-ton piece of moving machinery with an abrupt move into the bike lane.

Thank you.

Feeling:

Overwhelmed.

This week.

And last week.

Hopefully not next week.

And, it's February. So, that's a good thing.

The wheel...

...never stops turning...

This is a comforting thought for me today.

Wise words...

I went to see the Body Worlds exhibit at OMSI here in PDX today.

This was written on one of the walls of the exhibit:

"Your mind will be like its habitual thoughts; for the soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts."
-Marcus Aurelius (121-180)

Missed day...

Arg. Grrrrr. So. I missed out on posting yesterday. I realized this, just moments before my eyes opened, upon waking this morning. My immediate, physical and emotional reactions were: heart racing, stomach clenching, utter guilt and disappointment. ("Dammit! I've let myself down. I've let others down. This is it. This is the day where the aspiration I set out for myself, for the year, has ended. Apparently I *can't* do this for 365 days straight. Apparently I can only do it for 26. I've failed.")

* * *

Then...after a few moments of this negative self talk and berating, I took a breath. I allowed myself the space to relax for a second, and realize that this is truly *not* the end of the world...and that beating myself up for breaking a commitment I'd made to myself (especially first thing in the morning), isn't productive, isn't going to help, and certainly isn't healthy.

So, I stopped.

I remembered that that there have been many other circumstances in my life where I have let myself down, or let others down, and the world kept on spinning. I kept on living. And, eventually, the disappointment/guilt/regret/etc., I felt...faded.

This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but me, but this particular aspiration I set out for myself this year, to write something down in a public forum every single day for the next year, admittedly, is loaded. I set up this challenge for myself to, 1) simply see if I could do it (*want* to do it everyday, *remember* to do it everyday, explore what comes up for me on each day...) 2) get myself into the mode of writing (something...anything) even if just one word, everyday -and- ...here's the big one: 3) to give myself an opportunity to explore my relationship to commitment.

I've been learning much in the last few years about being gentler with myself, not having such hugely high expectations of myself, and letting things go... This process has been immensely important and transformational for me. However, I also think I allowed myself to take these concepts to the extreme, on both sides of the pendulum. There was a time (not so long ago) when I committed to *everything* that came my way: relationships, jobs, projects, friendships...etc. And, I committed in a way that completley wore me out, tapped all of my energy. Unknowingly at the time, I was allowing the agreements I was making to trump any sense of self care I had for myself. And, if and when I *did* slip up on those commitments I'd made, I felt horrible about it, for days, weeks or months, which only ended up adding to the acceleration of my depleted state.

THEN, I went to the other extreme. I moved far, far away from all of that *stuff*, and allowed myself total and utter indulgence in non-commitment. Thinking that this was the ultimate in self-care and the solution to becoming healthy and whole again, I did it to the fullest extent. I didn't work, for a long, long time, any commitments I *did* make, I righteously felt I could just drop at any time, without considering the consequences or effect this would have on others, I stopped communicating, I stopped writing, I completely abolished any resemblance of schedule, tradition, routine or practice (which, at the time I felt only served as restrictions), I stopped doing most, or many of the things that brought me true joy...and the things I *did* continue to do that were health promoting, or did bring me joy, weren't felt as deeply or wholly as I'd remembered them feeling them in the past.

So, I have this roller coaster relationship with commitment. I feel like, lately (in the past 6? 8? months or so) I have been finding more balance. With *all* things in my life, and particularly with this one. I see now that the healthy balance I seek with making commitments (to myself, to others), and *keeping* them, *is* really important to me, and *is* something I want to continue to do. However, as I found out this morning, because I am excited about and feel responsible to keep the commitments I make, when I slip up, I still (clearly) take it really hard. My automatic, knee jerk reaction, is, still...to be hard on myself.

I continue to work at changing this.

SO. All *that* said, I want to acknowledge the teaching I have gained from this experience. I *am* still feeling disappointment that I didn't get through this entire year without skipping a day. However. It is not over. I don't consider myself having fallen off the wagon. I'm not going to go on a self-indulgent, no-writing spree for the next month.

I *am* going to be gentle with myself. Making the space to allow for forgiveness. True, honest, heartfelt, authentic forgiveness for myself. So, I missed a day. That sucks. The fact remains that even though I didn't get to *posting* it yesterday, I *did* still write. And, I have the continued ambition to continue writing...every day...from this day onward.

- * -

Thank you...

...to everyone in my life who has taught me something about healthy communication.

I am recalling many of those lessons now, and still working at it.

I am...

...going to take a bath now.

Self care night. Go.

stoopid busy...

school. work. sleep. work. study. sleep. school. study. sleep. work. sleep.

that's what my life looks like for the next 72 hours.

i'm sorry if you've reached out to me recently and i don't get back to you till next week.

this week is kind of insane.

i'm doing ok though! just crazy busy.

<3 <3 <3

Oh. *That's* Why...

23 January 2012: Chinese New Year starts
23 January 2012: New Moon
24 January 2012: Mars in retrograde
24 January 2012: Largest and strongest solar radiation storm in 7 years. Planes rerouted.

...

11:59pm

Ahhhh!

Just made it!

Welcome to 2012: Year of the Yang Water Dragon

In the wise words of Rebekah Shaman, here's what she has to say about this Chinese New Year. We find ourselves at the cusp of a great turning point. This year is only the beginning...

* * *

Despite all the apocalyptic Mayan prophecies surrounding 2012 and the apparent end of the World, in Chinese astrology the Yang Water Dragon brings potential good luck and fortune. Dragons are considered the most powerful of all the animals in Chinese astrology. They are the symbol of the Emperor and revered in China.

Water is the natural element of Dragon and because we and the Earth are made up of mostly water, this element is very powerful. Not only is water essential for our survival, it’s also fluid so it can go with the flow more effortlessly, and shift direction when needed. This Dragon year urges us that in order to be successful we must try and see all points of view and take the right advice before proceeding.

The Dragon breaks down resistances and old modes of thinking and behaving so we can think outside the box. They are unafraid to stand up for what they believe in and don’t mind taking risks to manifest what they want. They are dominant, opinionated and left to their own devices are often successful.

However, be careful not to burn out this year. Dragon energy not only pushes the boundaries but can also push us to exhaustion. To counter this, remember to ask for help from others, and be discerning with where you put your time and effort, otherwise you could be left feeling manipulated and unfulfilled.

Things can happen unexpectedly during this year, both positive and negative, so make sure your intentions and destination is clear. There is no such thing as luck. The outcome of this year will depend on where you decide to focus your energies.

Focus them on serving humanity, planet Earth and all living things and this year has the potential to be an exciting, fulfilling and magical year, with mindblowing synchronisities and connections. 

Choose to act selfishly, with no regard to how your actions are affecting others or Mother Earth and you will find this year becoming a struggle, in all areas. You are creating your own luck and this year we will see the dichotomies more clearly defined.

Over the last year the Moon has been urging us to let go of anything and anyone that is holding us back so that we can fully embrace who we are and our purpose. The more we are ourselves this year the more we can utilise the Dragon Energy to its full potential.

* * *

In the words of Susan Levitt (writer for Mother Tongue Ink):

Magical magnificent Dragon grandly enters on the New Moon of January 22nd. Dragon is the most powerful sign of the Chinese zodiac, so anticipate a year that is exciting, creative and over the top.

Dragon's influence inspires passion, drive and daring. Dragon year is an excellent time to start a business, get married, have a child or take incredible risks. But results can be drastic: undreamed of success, or unrealistic fantasies that crash. Either way, life's pace is speedy, dynamic, and anything can happen. Should Dragon year's maximum volume leave you overwhelmed, take time off to retreat and rest.

The Chinese Dragon is wildly generous, overly benevolent and extremely lucky, unlike the Western interpretation that Dragon is evil. Protective and powerful Dragon is the most sacred symbol in China, culled from the time of the dinosaurs. Proud and strong Dragon symbolizes royalty, wisdom and prosperity. Magical Dragon can transform into any type of creature, and can overcome all challenges.

People born in Dragon years (1904, 1916, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012) have strong karma to lead and succeed. Dragons can be dreamers. If Dragon's idealism and optimism are not combined with concrete action, they can turn into a discontented daydreamer who pays little attention to practical reality. If Dragon takes action to realize these dreams, there is no limit to the heights they can achieve.
Dragon correlates to the Western sign: Aries.

* * *

This tapestry hangs on the north wall of my room, just next to my bed (colors modified a bit here to represent...well, water). Yet, a daily reminder of what this year will be bringing and all that it has to offer.  

Best wishes to you as we all move through this powerful and insightful new year together. 
 

on eating blood oranges...

...it's kinda creepy, in an awesome and bizarre way, how actually blood-like they are.

i can't get enough of 'em lately.

* * *

ok. i'll probably have something of actual significance to say here someday soon. 

today...

...is one of those days where i have lots to say, and the thought of writing it all out seems daunting and exhausting. this cold i have had since sunday has brought up things for me that i didn't know were still issues. it's knocked me out and about. i'm struggling. and, also hangin in there. needing lots of support right now, and getting some of it. thank you.

...

colds suck.

Snow Day!

Yup. My 8am class was canceled today, due to inclement weather and unsafe driving conditions. Of course, in Oregon, this means less than an inch of snow on the street, and sleety rain.

All evidence of any snowfall at all was completely gone by the time I left the house at 11:00am to go to my second class (not cancelled), due to the fact that it was suddenly 50 degrees outside.

The remainder of the afternoon has brought *very* strong and difficult to bike against winds and somewhat warmer temps.

So...living on the west coast is taking a little getting used to. I absolutely love how the weather is so unpredictable here and changes often, but sometimes (a lot of the time, actually) it still catches me off guard. It's fun.

One thing is clear, I'm definitely not in the Midwest anymore...

Just appreciating...

Riding home tonight from NE, with a belly full of warm, delicious Ethiopian food, I watched as the winter rain turned into a heavy downpour of slushy rain/snow. Getting ever wetter, and colder, I rode, socks soaked through my shoes, thighs drenched and freezing, gloved fingertips numb and cold, nose dripping snot down my face, vision impaired from pellets of rain/snow pelting my eyeballs. I'm currently battling a cold, and am conscious of my energy expenditure on any physical activity these days, as I know it is precious, and there is a definite threshold. This ride tonight took the last of my physical energy reserves for the day.

As cold as this ride may have been tonight, when it was over and I arrived at my front door, I got to Stop. Turn around. And witness the magnificent beauty of the slushy rain/snow, now turned to gentle snowfall. A breathtaking sight in the warm glow of the street lights.

As uncomfortable as this ride may have been tonight, I consider myself blessed to feel this alive.

Thoughts on freedom...

150 years ago, Abraham Lincoln delivered a message to congress that became the foundation for the Emancipation Proclamation. 101 years later, Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered a speech that referenced that Proclamation and is now known as the "I have a dream speech". 31 years after that, an episode of a tv show called Babylon 5 was aired on national television which references that original message Lincoln delivered 150 years ago. 2 nights ago, I watched that episode of Babylon 5. This morning, one of my instructors played Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech at the beginning of class.

I think it is no coincidence these messages keep resurfacing year after year, decade after decade, century after century. And, I think it is no coincidence that these messages made themselves known (again) to me, here, now, at exactly this time.

The phrases that speak loudly in my mind from these speeches below are: 
(AL) We can succeed only by concert. It is not "can any of us imagine better?" but, "can we all do better?"
(MLK) We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.
(B5/AL) We cannot escape history. We will be remembered in spite of ourselves. 

I see these words ringing true (*still*) not only in reference to the racial inequality many have endured in this country for centuries, but also in reference to the inequalities and injustices suffered all over the world. These could be references to humanity as a whole. And, in our present world, could be abstracted as a plea from earth herself. 

The solutions we seek for the current state we find ourselves in, are imbedded in these speeches...and reiterated, over, and over, and over again.

Are we listening yet?

* * *
Washington, D.C.
December 1, 1862
Abraham Lincoln

One month before signing the Emancipation Proclamation, President Lincoln sent a long message to Congress which was largely routine, but also proposed controversial measures such as voluntary colonization of slaves and compensated emancipation.

Lincoln devoted so much attention to preparing the message that his friend David Davis said, "Mr. Lincoln's whole soul is absorbed in his plan of remunerative emancipation." The concluding paragraphs shown below demonstrate Lincoln's passion for this plan and contain some of the most famous statements he ever wrote. Composer Aaron Copeland used excerpts in his evocative "Lincoln Portrait."

I do not forget the gravity which should characterize a paper addressed to the Congress of the nation by the Chief Magistrate of the nation. Nor do I forget that some of you are my seniors, nor that many of you have more experience than I, in the conduct of public affairs. Yet I trust that in view of the great responsibility resting upon me, you will perceive no want of respect yourselves, in any undue earnestness I may seem to display.

Is it doubted, then, that the plan I propose, if adopted, would shorten the war, and thus lessen its expenditure of money and of blood? Is it doubted that it would restore the national authority and national prosperity, and perpetuate both indefinitely? Is it doubted that we here--Congress and Executive--can secure its adoption? Will not the good people respond to a united, and earnest appeal from us? Can we, can they, by any other means, so certainly, or so speedily, assure these vital objects? We can succeed only by concert. It is not "can any of us imagine better?" but, "can we all do better?" The dogmas of the quiet past, are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise -- with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves, and then we shall save our country.

Fellow-citizens, we cannot escape history. We of this Congress and this administration, will be remembered in spite of ourselves. No personal significance, or insignificance, can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass, will light us down, in honor or dishonor, to the latest generation. We say we are for the Union. The world will not forget that we say this. We know how to save the Union. The world knows we do know how to save it. We -- even we here -- hold the power, and bear the responsibility. In giving freedom to the slave, we assure freedom to the free -- honorable alike in what we give, and what we preserve. We shall nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best hope of earth. Other means may succeed; this could not fail. The way is plain, peaceful, generous, just -- a way which, if followed, the world will forever applaud, and God must forever bless.

* * *
Washington, D.C.
28 August 1963
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation.
(...)
But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.
(...)
We cannot walk alone.
And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.
We cannot turn back.
(...)
Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.
And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream.
(...)
(view full speech here)

* * *
Babylon 5 - Season 2 (aired on national television)
2 November 1994
Sheridan's "Good Luck" speech

"It was an early Earth president, Abraham Lincoln, who best described our situation. The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate for the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise to the occasion. We cannot escape history. We will be remembered in spite of ourselves. The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the last generation. We shall nobly save or meanly lose our last, best hope of Earth."

Balance.

I'm still working it out.

* * *

I'll probably be forever...working it out.

Some insightful words by a wise lady...

this woman continues to amaze and inspire me with her words and music...

splinter

somethin' about this landscape
just don't feel right
hyper-air-conditioned
and lit up all night

like we just gotta see
how comfortable comfortable can get
like we can't even bring ourselves to sweat

sweat in the summer, shiver in the winter
just enough to know that we're alive
watch out for that t.v., it's full of splinters
and remember you can always go outside
really really really far outside

and some might call it conservation
and some might call it common sense
and maybe it's because i am a libra
but, i say balance balance balance balance
i say balance balance balance balance

who put all this stuff in my apartment?
who put all this ice in my drink?
who put the poison in the atmosphere?
who put the poison in the way i think?

o women, won't you be our windows
women who bleed and bleed and bleed
women who swell with the tide women who change when the wind blows
show us we are connected to everything
show us we are not separate from everything

so here's to the trials of living
here's to feeling our share of pain
all the way from childbirth to dying
here's to being connected to everything
here's to staying connected to everything

 -Ani Difranco, from the new album: ¿Which Side Are You On?

School is exhausting these days!

Came home after my class today and an intended 20 min nap turned into a 4 hour nap.

I guess it's way past time for some self-care.

...I hear the bathtub calling...

I got to know one of my dear housemates a little bit better today...

...trips to the ER will do that, I suppose.

Whew...

First Kines quiz today. Written and Practical. Missed *one* freakin question on the written (which I totally knew, but I have a history of blasting through test questions without thinking about them first...), so that gave me a 94% on that portion...and 100% on the practical.

Yeah!

Feelin' good...However, I spent all, literally *all* of my available mental energy on preparing for that quiz this morning, so my brain has effectively been mushy mush for the remainder of today. Been having a hard time figuring out what's next. Hopefully 8-10 hours of sleep will cure this.

Taking a moment to recognize...

...how incredibly grateful I am to be living the life I'm living.

Today, my life is about: Waking up to yet another gorgeous day here in Portland. Sunny. Crisp. Clear. Beautiful. Spent the morning doing laundry and catching up on a bunch of stuff (which felt *great*). Took a break to have an epsom salt bath and then slid into some clean clothes, still warm from the dryer.

In just a little bit, I'm going to meet up with some new buddies from school to study for my first Kinesiology quiz (which is tomorrow!), at a local Ethiopian restaurant of awesomeness! :) :) :)

I really, really, really love my life.

* * *

The only thing that, perhaps, could have made this day any better would have been...a pile of cookies.

...but I'm definitely not complaining.

;)

(this earlier post, written at 4:16pm)

* * *

As of 10:28pm:

Post study session at Dalo's Ethiopian (which, truly is the Ethiopian restaurant of awesomeness in NE pdx!)...Upon arriving at the place - without any prompting at all - one of my study buddies, (who, incidentally, eats at this place all the time and personally knows everyone who runs the it), excitedly says "Oh! And, the woman who makes all the delicious food (can't remember her name right now), also sometimes makes these amazing cookies!" WHAT?! So...not only did one *pile of cookies* actually manifest in front of me before the nights end, but...FOUR piles of warm, gooey, straight out of the oven, chocolate chip and cranberry shortbread cookies. And, as if this wasn't enough, he also says to me, "And, if we ask in advance, she'll make them gluten free."

My night is complete.

* * *

PS - If there's a lesson to be learned here, it is most definitely: Be careful what you wish for this year, people. The universe is listening.

Have you ever heard this phrase?

Anything worth doing, is worth taking the time to do it right.

Do I sound like your mother or father? Perhaps. That's exactly who I heard this phrase from the first (and second, and elevendy millionth time!) ...and, I guess, I haven't *really gotten* it, till just now.

Being who I am, (and having operated this following way most of my life), I am a strong believer in the merit of trial and error, experimentation and just jumping in head first and exploring something. This is how I play. This is how I learn. This is how I enjoy life.

However - AND - I get it now. I get what this means, to step back and examine the things in my life that are worth putting a significant amount of my time and energy into. And then, to take the time to become intentional about what it is I'm doing and how. Sometimes for efficiency sake. Sometimes for my own health and well being. Sometimes just for the sheer joy of it. Always, because these are the things in my life that are truly important to me. And, if they are important, I want to honor and recognize them. I honor and recognize them by taking the time and energy to figure out how to do them well, and remaining open to constant change and improvement.

For example, the "things" I'm thinking of here (tonight) are: 1. Cooking - holding my kitchen knife in a way that supports the ongoing health of my wrist (I'm gonna need that for a future career in massage...), and learning how to use it more efficiently so my mediocre chopping skills can become uber-awesome chopping skills of madness! (Ok, maybe not totally necessary in this lifetime, but I'm always open to further improvement!;)  2. Studying. Time management. 3. Relationships.

 * - * - *

So, I started writing this post earlier this evening, with the intent to come back later tonight to refine it, flesh out some more details and complete it. But, alas, I am completely knackered now. So. Here it is. Perhaps I'll come back to it later, perhaps not. I think it captures all I really wanted to express anyway. Hmmm...this writing something every single day certainly has it's unique challenges.

Kinda like speed drawing.

Full Moon Blessings

May your intentions be clearly set and your visions be realized.

Happy first full moon of 2012.

Amazing, the difference a few degrees makes.

Today was one of those days in which I was *extremely* productive and got nothing done I had expected to do. Regardless, it felt awesome to tie up so many loose ends that had been dangling out there for the past days/weeks/months.

I spent most of the day inside. On the computer. Not moving much. I think the heat is broken in the house. The thermostat read 57 degrees all day long, and despite all of our best efforts and many attempts to reset the thermostat to raise the temp, we could not get any hot air to come out of the vents. This made it a bit more difficult to do all the things I ended up doing today...but only a bit. Living in Portland for 10 months now, and having lived in places recently where the interior heat is kept low and I'm constantly connected with the outside elements and changes in weather, I don't need it to be balmy in my living space. However, I must say, the difference between 64 (a comfortable indoor temp for me) and 57 is actually quite noticeable! Many layers, bowls of soup, cups of tea and a cuddly kitty on my lap made the day, if not *that* much warmer, definitely much cozier.

Oh, and apparently if my space heater is on in my bedroom, it blows the fuse for the lights and outlets in the entire south end of the house. (Why, oh why, are all the lights and outlets on *one* fuse...can someone please tell me?!)

Ok. It might sound like, at this point, that I'm just complaining. But, I'm not. I actually find all of this quite amusing. I have a SUPER comfy, cozy, warm bed and other than it being a little chilly in here, life is pretty grand for me today.

Job Description:

Meagen Alm: Love Warrior.

Long day...

Big day. Rewarding day. Lots to say.

...Later.

Now? Sleep. Oh yes. Sleep. Wonderful sleep.

Three reasons why I love my life today:

#1. I learned this nifty phrase in Kinesiology this morning: Olecranon process.
Basically, it means: Elbow.

#2. Today was the first full day of classes. Kinesiology in the am, Swedish Massage in the pm. In SM class, we learned how to properly clean the table, dress the table and then lie down on the table, while my class partner palpated different areas of my head/neck/back. I completely passed out while she was doing this. I think this is the first time in my life I've had a class where it is considered a total success for half the class to konk out in the middle of it.

#3. I just had one of the most affirming, uplifting, compassionate, open, direct, honest conversations with an incredibly special person in my life, and fantastic friend. Taylor, thank you for being who you are, and for being in my life. I value our connection so deeply and so love what we share. I'm continually impressed by how we continue to grow and gracefully allow for the shifts that are happening.

Love and Gratitude.

Oh, how I love to learn...

As of today, I am officially a student! (again)

:) :) :)

East West College of the Healing Arts

Even though my first class tonight was only an hour long, and immediately followed orientation, I was given homework. My assignment for this Friday is to: Do one activity/action of self care, and then relay what it was in class. (This could be: taking a bath, going on a hike, playing with kids or animals, taking a sauna, getting a massage).

Yeah. I think I'm gonna like school.

More details on this in future posts!

Solstice aspiration:

I'm not generally a huge fan of "new year's resolutions..." I don't necessarily feel a strong resonance with the arbitrary "1st of January" signifying a new year or annual fresh start. I *do* however, feel a strong resonance (literally and symbolically) with the solstice, and the cycles of the earth. The winter solstice is the time which I consider to be my "new year" and opportunity for new beginnings. It is the time to honor the cycles of death, darkness and inner reflection as well as a time to celebrate the return of the light. If I have a "resolution" this year at all, I would call it a "solstice aspiration". Inspired by other writers in my life, and aligned with my own strong desire to express myself more regularly and share the happenings of my life with *you* on a more consistent basis, my aspiration is this: I intend to write, publicly, every single day, for the next year...even if only just one word.

This is the place where it will happen.

I'm feeling like I'm already off to a good start.

(This last year's winter solstice occurred overnight, from Wednesday, 21 Dec - Thursday, 22 Dec. This was the longest night of the year, and brought with it the transition into longer days. Though I have not been posting publicly since that day this time around, I *have* written *something* every day since then...and intend to keep writing here, now, for the next 364 days...)

Transition to a new year, new realm, new era.

An experience of annual shift...this time around:

My mom and I have a yearly tradition of calling each other up and wishing each other a joyous fresh start to each new year, no matter where either of us is in the world at the stroke of midnight. Regardless of time zone or continent. Regardless of if we actually reach each other and have the chance to speak in real time, or if we leave giddy messages for each other, to be enjoyed later. This year, being in the midwest, she rang in the new year two hours before I did on the west coast. We played phone tag and traded silly, fun and thoughtful messages well into the afternoon today.

This tradition has always warmed my heart. I love you, Mom. I wish for you a joyful, fulfilling, loving, revelatory and powerful (in the most *empowering* sense of that word), 2012.

* * *

My own personal experience of crossing over from one year to the next was one that was new to me. Hanging out in a home with dear friends in Portland, I felt wholly empowered to *be*, and honor exactly what it was that I needed in every passing moment. I was able to fully recognize everything I felt throughout the night and nurture myself, well into the wee hours of the morning. Last night was incredibly difficult for me. My emotions were running high, and I was feeling vulnerable, lonely, lost, mournful, sad and depressed. This, added to the nervousness I strongly felt in choosing to be in the presence of other people (whom I *really* wanted to be happy, upbeat and excited around), made it even harder...at the beginning. Upon meeting up with them, however, I was immediately comforted by the reality that they did not expect me to be anyone I was not, nor hope that I would pretend to feel any way I did not genuinely feel. In fact, they had absolutely no expectations of me, at all. They hugged me, offered me shoulders to cry on, and held space for me to just *be* exactly where I was. And, all the while, reassured me that where *I* was would not in any way detract from or drag down *their* experience of the night. This was actually true.

As the night rolled along, I found that I needed a considerable amount of time to myself. In addition to feeling completely physically exhausted, I wasn't feeling all that social for most of the night. So, I retreated to a quiet, warm, soft, welcoming bedroom around 10:30 for some much needed relaxation and a nap. Intending to be awake and physically present for the midnight transition, I woke myself up with time to prepare for meditation. I sat for 33 minutes, as 2011 ended and the new day began. Throughout the meditation, I could hear the the effusive celebrations of cheering and fireworks outside. I also heard the giddy, muffled sounds of laughter and music of my close friends experiencing their own journey, drifting up from the downstairs area where they were.

Though I was separated, physically, from my friends during those moments, I did not feel alone. I felt uplifted and supported, knowing I could be fully absorbed in my own experience, and still feel the presence of them nearby. It was one of the most empowering experiences I've ever felt. To know that there may be things happening near me with people I very much *want* to share time, space and experiences with, and choose to honor what I *need* for that moment. To genuinely feel that it is a decision well made.

It is the feeling of knowing I am exactly where I need to be, in each moment. And, in each moment, it is a choice.

Thank you, dear friends, for your consistent and ongoing support of who I am and gently, yet firmly holding the space for me, to be.

I love you.

What and amazing way to start this new year.

Gratitude. Love. And, more gratitude.