Today:

I am grateful for our human ability to forgive. And the quality of trust that is built following that genuine interaction.

In the show, Battlestar Gallactica, I think it was best expressed it in this interaction between two characters:

(Athena - who had been an entrusted member of the military for years, was found out as a sleeper agent. She then committed acts of treason against her commanders, and her people and was charged for attempted murder of her superior. Her loyalty confused and blurred, she became an outcast and prisoner. Eventually, through many acts of proving herself loyal, and by the kindness and understanding of the commander in chief (the attempted murder victim), she was re-instated as a Lieutenant and sent on a mission in which the lives of many were in her hands.)

Before going off on this mission, she asked:
Lt. Athena: How do you know? I mean, how do you really know that you can trust me?
Admiral Adama: I don't. That's what trust is.

Blessed thanks for another day.

I'm grateful today for the opprotunity to love, trust, celebrate, laugh, give and receive with those dear to me.

Reserve Empathy

Today I am grateful for my ability to feel empathy and express compassion.

* * *

Yesterday, I was using my computer without a power cord attached, and eventually this message popped up:

WARNING: You are now running on reserve battery power. Please connect your computer to AC power. If you do not, your computer will go to sleep in a few minutes to preserve the contents of memory.

Though I have seen this message countless times in the years I've owned this computer, I've never really read that message before. Or, I've never *connected* with it before. Last night, something just clicked in me.

I've been doing this to myself...for years. Running on reserve battery power. *This* probably explains why my brain hasn't been working as well as I remember it used to, and why I haven't been able to remember stuff as clearly...etc, etc.

Moments after this epiphany, I was compelled to do an internet search of the computer warning message, and instantly came across this article. Not only was it strange that the article was from the Local Wheaton paper (a town I grew up 15 mins away from), it was also *exactly* what I needed to read at that moment. It confirmed some of the suspicions and conclusions I've been coming to about empathy and my own reactions over the years. I've been beating myself up (especially these last 10 or so years) for not "feeling more" in certain situations...turns out...this is an actual thing.

Admittedly, I haven't done any other research into this, other than this one article. I'm just going off of gut feelings and intuition here. But, I have a strong *feeling* this stuff is true. It certainly has been for me. 

Thank you.

An excerpt from a dream-like meditation experience I had this morning:

...when I had gone back into my body to repair the open wound, I noticed the two black dots, still there, in the same place they had been before, but this time, not dripping, not generating more muck. They were just there. And I was totally ok with this. In fact, I found myself smiling that they were there. Like a tattoo. A gentle reminder to have reverence and respect for these lessons. And a reminder that there will always be darkness within me. But, it's up to *me* to decide how it manifests. This, I believe, is the purity and visceral feeling of gratitude. Thank you, experience. Thank you pain. Thank you darkness for showing me that I can still live with you, inside of me.

* * *

This song has been playing in my head on repeat for the past several days:

how 'bout getting off these antibiotics
how 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
how 'bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you, thank you silence

how 'bout me not blaming you for everything
how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how 'bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you, thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how 'bout no longer being masochistic
how 'bout remembering your divinity
how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how 'bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you, thank you silence 

    - "thank you" by alanis morissette

Gratitude, redux.

I've been listening to the messages coming at me lately (from all different directions) to focus on (even if just for a moment) and acknowledge, every day, the things in my life I am grateful for.

I'm going to start expressing them here.

Today, I am grateful for my healthy, able body, the sun: on days like today - in the middle of portland winter, amazing, loving friends and family, community, healthy organic food, having the awareness to know to know that everything I do in this life...is a choice.

Thank you.

Gratitude.

Today I feel so grateful for this body I inhabit, this spirit I embody and this life I get to experience.

Thank you, Mom, for bringing me into this world, on this day, 34 years ago.

Even though I've missed a few days...

I feel like this blog is still filling one of its intended purposes. I have been writing more. And, I am writing more about writing. Even though I'm not necessarily writing *here* all the time. I am writing *more*...which feels fantastic. It's opening up some places in me that had been long locked and forgotten about.

I like this aspiration. I think I'm gonna stick with it.

-*-

It must be the new moon.

I'm tired, cranky and head-cloudy.

Or, that could have been all the carbohydrate-y fried food I had for dinner.

Why do I keep doing that?!

Commitment.

Doesn't have to be scary.



...right?

Spring is hanging in the air...

I went for a walk today and was amazed to see the vast majority of yards I passed by, covered in crocus buds, popping out of the ground...not only that, but tons of other vivid, green buds and seedlings starting to sprout and thrive. It's starting to be spring here in the pacific northwest! It's still February! This is crazy! And wonderful! Wonderfully crazy!

I. Love. It.

Been writing all day...

...just not here. Now my brain is all mushy, and I need to go to sleep.

Some days,

are just not for writing.

-*-

If you want to change the world...

I woke up this morning to find a link to this poem in my inbox. It was the first thing I read today. It brought a rushing swell of feeling through my heart, chills up and down my body, expansiveness to my mind and tears to my eyes.

The concepts expressed here, even if just on a purely metaphoric level, are so beautifully and powerfully stated. It resonates deeply within me. And, is still vibrating.

* * *

If you want to change the world… love a woman - really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one, every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman - one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman.
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

-by Lisa Citore

* * *

Thank you, Taylor, for sharing this with me today.  

Today...

I am deeply grateful for the abundance of love and support that exists in my life.

Thank you.

Sending endless waves of love and support back to you, far and wide.

How am I doing today?

Well, I was (somehow) first in line to drop off my registration for school this morning, so I'm reasonably certain I'm going to get my preferred schedule, with the teachers I wanted for next term, I *aced* my kinesiology mid-term today (!!!), and then had a lovely 40 min. abdominal and head/neck massage in swedish by one of my favorite fellow students. (She and I are also doing another hour long each massage trade tomorrow). And, I just made a spicy, miso-y, braggs-y, carrot-y, shiitake-y, rainbow chardy, green oniony, noodly plate of yumminess...

So...on a scale of 1 to Awesome, I'm doing pretty freakin fantastic. :)

Sitting in the chrysalis

I am living, transformation.

On creating our collective reality:

An excerpt from the January 2012 new moon that has just passed (by Rebekah Shaman):

Things can happen unexpectedly during this year, both positive and negative, so make sure your intentions and destination is clear.  There is no such thing as luck. The outcome of this year will depend on where you decide to focus your energies.

Focus them on serving humanity, planet Earth and all living things and this year has the potential to be an exciting, fulfilling and magical year, with mindblowing synchronisities and connections. 

Choose to act selfishly, with no regard to how your actions are affecting others or Mother Earth and you will find this year becoming a struggle, in all areas.  You are creating your own luck and this year we will see the dichotomies more clearly defined.

* * * 
 
I agree with these words and this overall sentiment wholeheartedly. However, the question I have been exploring lately is: How do I *not* act selfishly? Aren't all of my desires and actions that arise from those desires...selfish? ...just by the simple fact that they are satisfying a need of *mine*?

Perhaps I'm over thinking this. I do understand and respect that my choices and actions do definitely have an effect on others and on the earth, from a micro to macro scale. And, I consider these impacts with most of the choices I make in my daily life. I'm just confused about intent, sometimes.

I *do* hope and intend for the best possible outcome for all involved when making a choice that clearly affects the lives of other people around me. And, I do want these decisions to be reached by mutual agreement. And...sometimes, I wonder if my creative energy in manifesting what I want to see in the world is always truly coming from that place of equanimity and altruism (my *heart*), and/or if it comes from a place (almost unconscious, perhaps), of my *mind* trying to orchestrate a way to satisfy a purely selfish need that is deeply rooted and not even totally apparent to me.

Hmmm.


I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on...doing the best I can.


Thoughts...?

Letting go

evokes the deepest feelings of peaceful contentment and satisfaction I can imagine or express.

I feel profound gratitude at this moment for all the people, situations and circumstances in my life which  have offered me the opportunity to let go.

Another look at love...

Thank you, Amber, for sharing this with me tonight:

"ordinary love is selfish, darkly rooted in desires and satisfactions. Divine love is without condition, without boundary, without change. the flux of the human heart is gone forever at the transfixing touch of pure love...if you ever find me falling from a state of God-realization, please promise to put my head on your lap and help to bring me back to the Cosmic Beloved we both worship." --Sri Yukteswar

Dang!

Missed another day yesterday. This really *is* quite the challenge. But! I'm sticking with it, nonetheless.

Circumstances in my life have been slowly building to a chaotic climax again, and I'm trying hard to handle it all differently than I have in the past. I think it's working.

My method: stopping. listening. breathing. moving on.

-*-

Wow, this is difficult.

Most days I have more to say than I could possibly sit down and write in one sitting...or, if I did write it all out (everything I'm thinking and all the significant things that are happening for me that day), I would get nothing else done for the entire day. I guess I was hoping this challenge of writing something every day would help me get into the mode of writing *more*, so it would be *less* pressure-filled when I did feel like giving a larger/longer update...but the way I'm seeing it at the moment is actually creating more pressure and stress to my life. I *do* like having this daily ritual, but...for some reason, I'm judging myself for not having something interesting or engaging or relevant to say, every single day. I'm probably being too harsh on myself. I have issues with that. But this is what is real for me. In this moment. Today.

Thank you,

 Peter Drucker, for these words:

"The leaders who work most effectively, it seems to me, never say “I.” And that’s not because they have trained themselves not to say “I.” They don’t think “I.” They think “we”; they think “team.” They understand their job to be to make the team function. They accept responsibility and don’t sidestep it, but “we” gets the credit…This is what creates trust, what enables you to get the task done."

~ Peter Drucker

Overwhelmed.

Still.

Boundaries.

I'm learning more, now than ever, how much I still have to learn about: why it's important to have them...and then; setting them, keeping them, maintaining them, nurturing them, discovering them, respecting them and honoring them.

Wow. This may be the hardest challenge I have in this life.

PSA for the day:

Got sideswiped by a car today on my way to work. Actually, about 10 mins ago.

I'm totally fine. My bike is totally fine. I'm just shaken up a bit. In fact, still shaking a bit.

I know this happens all the time, to many cyclists, especially in this city, and every time something like this happens to me, it really scares me. Not necessarily because of what *did* happen, but because of what *could* have...due to careless driving.

Drivers: Please, please, please use your turn signals and look in your rear/side view mirrors (or, actually turn your head to look out the window) before wielding your 2-ton piece of moving machinery with an abrupt move into the bike lane.

Thank you.

Feeling:

Overwhelmed.

This week.

And last week.

Hopefully not next week.

And, it's February. So, that's a good thing.