Missed day...

Arg. Grrrrr. So. I missed out on posting yesterday. I realized this, just moments before my eyes opened, upon waking this morning. My immediate, physical and emotional reactions were: heart racing, stomach clenching, utter guilt and disappointment. ("Dammit! I've let myself down. I've let others down. This is it. This is the day where the aspiration I set out for myself, for the year, has ended. Apparently I *can't* do this for 365 days straight. Apparently I can only do it for 26. I've failed.")

* * *

Then...after a few moments of this negative self talk and berating, I took a breath. I allowed myself the space to relax for a second, and realize that this is truly *not* the end of the world...and that beating myself up for breaking a commitment I'd made to myself (especially first thing in the morning), isn't productive, isn't going to help, and certainly isn't healthy.

So, I stopped.

I remembered that that there have been many other circumstances in my life where I have let myself down, or let others down, and the world kept on spinning. I kept on living. And, eventually, the disappointment/guilt/regret/etc., I felt...faded.

This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but me, but this particular aspiration I set out for myself this year, to write something down in a public forum every single day for the next year, admittedly, is loaded. I set up this challenge for myself to, 1) simply see if I could do it (*want* to do it everyday, *remember* to do it everyday, explore what comes up for me on each day...) 2) get myself into the mode of writing (something...anything) even if just one word, everyday -and- ...here's the big one: 3) to give myself an opportunity to explore my relationship to commitment.

I've been learning much in the last few years about being gentler with myself, not having such hugely high expectations of myself, and letting things go... This process has been immensely important and transformational for me. However, I also think I allowed myself to take these concepts to the extreme, on both sides of the pendulum. There was a time (not so long ago) when I committed to *everything* that came my way: relationships, jobs, projects, friendships...etc. And, I committed in a way that completley wore me out, tapped all of my energy. Unknowingly at the time, I was allowing the agreements I was making to trump any sense of self care I had for myself. And, if and when I *did* slip up on those commitments I'd made, I felt horrible about it, for days, weeks or months, which only ended up adding to the acceleration of my depleted state.

THEN, I went to the other extreme. I moved far, far away from all of that *stuff*, and allowed myself total and utter indulgence in non-commitment. Thinking that this was the ultimate in self-care and the solution to becoming healthy and whole again, I did it to the fullest extent. I didn't work, for a long, long time, any commitments I *did* make, I righteously felt I could just drop at any time, without considering the consequences or effect this would have on others, I stopped communicating, I stopped writing, I completely abolished any resemblance of schedule, tradition, routine or practice (which, at the time I felt only served as restrictions), I stopped doing most, or many of the things that brought me true joy...and the things I *did* continue to do that were health promoting, or did bring me joy, weren't felt as deeply or wholly as I'd remembered them feeling them in the past.

So, I have this roller coaster relationship with commitment. I feel like, lately (in the past 6? 8? months or so) I have been finding more balance. With *all* things in my life, and particularly with this one. I see now that the healthy balance I seek with making commitments (to myself, to others), and *keeping* them, *is* really important to me, and *is* something I want to continue to do. However, as I found out this morning, because I am excited about and feel responsible to keep the commitments I make, when I slip up, I still (clearly) take it really hard. My automatic, knee jerk reaction, is, still...to be hard on myself.

I continue to work at changing this.

SO. All *that* said, I want to acknowledge the teaching I have gained from this experience. I *am* still feeling disappointment that I didn't get through this entire year without skipping a day. However. It is not over. I don't consider myself having fallen off the wagon. I'm not going to go on a self-indulgent, no-writing spree for the next month.

I *am* going to be gentle with myself. Making the space to allow for forgiveness. True, honest, heartfelt, authentic forgiveness for myself. So, I missed a day. That sucks. The fact remains that even though I didn't get to *posting* it yesterday, I *did* still write. And, I have the continued ambition to continue writing...every day...from this day onward.